I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
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By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Them: You should try keto
Me:
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle