Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
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I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*