“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
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[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
they split up moments later
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.