I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
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Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.