the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
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Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero