Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
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“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Friday
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.