Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
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Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.