Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
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I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
No, he would not have.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Oh the world we live in…
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those