*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
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Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having