From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
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I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Single and childfree like Jesus
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
How can I say no to this ?
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy