*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
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Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.