* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
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True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.