Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
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If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it鈥檚 my freaking grocery shopping list
Santa saw your nudes and he鈥檚 getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
It鈥檚 never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it鈥檚 always Hey Josh, I鈥檓 Daryl your court appointed attorney
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I鈥檓 not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 馃槶馃槶馃槶
pls suprot
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.