I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
You Might Also Like
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced