gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
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sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
(True)
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
More like Kate Missington.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.