I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
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Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question