Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
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“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.