My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
You Might Also Like
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.