British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
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A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
grotesque if literal: baby food
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.