I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
You Might Also Like
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Ain’t no way
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm