“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
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[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
e
e
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a
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Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.