When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
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[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
My last name is Zilla.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Not messing around
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick