5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
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“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
This is Sparta
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.