Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
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This story is comedy gold 😂
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up