Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
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Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
This one’s “Alex”.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.