Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
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I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]