Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
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I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
me doing my best
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.