Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
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Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.