It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
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If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.