Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
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wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Lunatics are gonna loon.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Herpes is trending, good job people
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Saving my good tweets for marriage
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.