The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
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if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
LOOOOOOL
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.