Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
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6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.