Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
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When your teen is already bigger than you are…
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour