Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
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in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.