Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
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I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
me, too, girl. me, too.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.