Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
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Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad