[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
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I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
🤔😂😂
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it