Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
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McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*