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Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.