{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
You Might Also Like
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Goat cheese is for herders.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone