The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
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Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
I hope this email finds you in a well
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
bury ourselves
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.