Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
You Might Also Like
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
mom had nothing to worry about
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.