My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
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Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to