My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
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I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Does it…does it take 3 days
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.