Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
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COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.