Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
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Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Not all heroes wear capes….
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife