Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
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Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Weirdos gonna weird.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
At least my masseuse has my back.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.