To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
You Might Also Like
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
My work here is don’t.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Who wants to be my Valentine?
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one