While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
You Might Also Like
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
New comic up. “Ransom”
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.