Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
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You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.